Silver Screen Smackdown- Movie Review of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

Movie– The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

TL;DR-What the heck is this crap? 67%


Basics- Remember the last chapter or two of that book you could read from cover to cover in six hours.  Here is three hours about those two chapters.  As you can tell, I’m not going to sugar coat this one.


Story– If you’re a big Tolkien person like my wife is, you won’t want to see this.  In the book, Bilbo’s awake for about an hour and then he’s completely knocked out.  This movie adds in all kinds of crap that wasn’t in the books.  That would be ok, but some of it is completely crazy like orc tacticians, giant worm monsters that never get mentioned again, and armies of troll enforcers.  This is just one long fight scene that is way too long and make war boring. 2/5


Acting– Let’s start with NO back story at all!  Just throw some people in, then have them run around a bit.  About half way through, you might catch some names, figure out some of the background plot, and finally understand who is who.  I know a ton of things happen, but if you don’t remember people from movies you saw two years ago, you’ll be pretty lost.  Heck, some of the heavy hitters for the Lord of the Rings movies only get a name drop once. 3/5


Cinematography– There is a crap ton of CGI in this one.  It looks really cool.  This is the one saving grace of the whole movie. 5/5


Summary– Save your money and read the book.  Honestly, this is a mess.  From key parts of the book being left out or altered for no good reason at all, to a fabrication of two hours of movie that had nothing to do with Tolkien, this will only piss you off if you’re a fan of the Lord of the Rings.  If you just want to watch people die for two hours, then this won’t be a bad one.  But that comes with the caveat that you have to watch the previous two movies.  This movie doesn’t give enough background to really fill you in on what the heck happened before.  Ok, there’s a dragon, now here are people in some ruins, now there’s elves, hay here come some more dwarves, and then there is orcs!  Unless you have a vested interest, this starts a little to en media rez for the casual viewer.  Honestly despite the number of explosions in this one, this is by far the low point of the series.  Save you money.  Eventually this will be on cable some Saturday afternoon when some TV filler time is needed and you can tape/DVR it then.  This is a sad conclusion to the LotR movies as a whole.  67%

2 thoughts on “Silver Screen Smackdown- Movie Review of The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

  1. Cue sad trombone music. How in the unholy hell did Peter Jackson, a man who clearly loves Tolkien, get this far off base? Anyway, thanks for the review. I’ll wait for this one to pop up on Netflix.

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